07.05.15

morning run:
Gracie
Godzilla
Rufus
Jack
Mega
Steve McQueen
Hazel
Murci
Tori
(9)

Hidden Trail: ~10+k. This was one of the worst days of my life. I'm finally writing this now 5 days after and I can barely stand to do it. This was a typical run on the hidden trail, like we've done many times recently. It was a bit of a slog between the road and the beach but no different than the last time. Tori was trailing me by at most 10m in the thickest part when I heard her cry out. She made it to me when I called her but just barely - her rear legs were not working right. It became obvious quickly that she could not continue, we were still a solid 2km from home if we stuck to the beach and we weren't even to the beach yet - still 50m to go, with the thickest woods still in front of us. I had to carry Tori through the spines and brush all the way down to the water. She could not stand, her pupils were dilated and her breathing was heavy and rough, as was mine after getting her down to the shore. Clearly something had happened but I wasn't sure what yet - it turned out to be a snake bite. It is now the driest time of the year and I didn't think snakes should be much of an issue as there is very little prey for them now but obviously I was wrong. I saw Julie and P-O far to the south, just getting close to the tortuga sign - it was at least 1km away but I decided to chance it and get as close to them as I could to get their attention. This led to an all-out sprint on my part after having carried Tori (40kg) to the beach. I over-estimated my capabilities and fell short, running as fast as I could for most of that kilometer and yelling my head off for the last 200m only to see them disappear into the woods at the tortuga sign without having noticed me. I realized I was on my own and that I had gassed myself out badly but there was nothing else to do: I turned around and hauled ass back to Tori as fast as I could. There were two dinghies tied up on the shore, left by fishermen who use them in the evenings; they're about 3m long and have no motors or anything else you can really steal. Tori happened to be lying only a couple meters from the nearest one so I pushed it into the water, loaded her into it and started pulling it south through the shallows using the rope it had been tied up with; there was no other way to get it to move, no paddles or poles nearby. The total distance to our house from that point along the shore was something like 2k - I could not even see the poles in the water next to the army base until I got a few hundred meters south. The other eight dogs were all exemplary through the entire ordeal. Many of them chose to swim behind me almost the whole way and they all listened well when we got closer to the soldiers; I had lost the leash in my scramble to get Tori into the boat and get going so I tied Rufus to the rope for the last 200m just to make sure I didn't have to worry about him and the strays at the army camp. I don't know how long it took me to get that boat to our house - we left before 7am and it was at least 9am when I finally was able to carry Tori in. Her breathing had stabilized somewhat but she was still wild-eyed and unable to move herself. I called Sandra and ended up injecting her with Dexametazone and Vitamin K. She was able to walk on her own after a bit but only blood was coming out of her when she tried to go to the bathroom. I had to get the boat back to where it was so I left around 10am; the dingy had drifted out to sea already so I had to swim out and get it. I tried pushing it north with a pole the way the fishermen do but it is much harder than it looks and I ended up giving up and pulling it back. About halfway the fisherman in question and his wife (I think) ran up to me breathlessly on the beach. Someone had seen me with their boat and called them. Since their moto had recently been stolen they thought I was the thief coming to take a boat as well; why they left a moto on the beach is beyond me but I saw no sign of it at all this day. I told them why I was dragging their boat back and that I hadn't seen their moto and they were nice about it once they realized I was only borrowing their boat and taking it back to where it belonged. It took me what seemed like forever to finish dragging the dinghy back and even longer to get it up onto the shore safely and tied up next to the other; if I had been gassed earlier I was now doubly so but somehow I found it in me to run home most of the way. We injected Tori with atropine as well when I got home but it was too late. According to Sandra it is likely that there is nothing we could've done. There are not many venomous snakes in this part of Yucatan but there are a few and they are all capable of killing a full-grown person, with very little to be done. Tori died in my arms a few hours later, and with her a large part of me - larger than anyone but Roni can possibly realize. I probably ran 10k in total and dragged a boat another 4k but in the end it was all for naught. Obviously my common-sense notions of how dangerous the trackless woods around here can be was completely wrong; it might be dry, there might not be prey but there was a deadly snake somewhere there this day that none of us saw. It could've been Rufus or any of the others. It could've been me, and if it had been me Roni might still not know what happened. I don't think I can go to the hidden trail anymore, nor can I be so cavalier about off-roading on runs. I honestly still don't feel like I can carry on at all. Roni and I both had a deep connection with Tori that defies words: I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I could always feel my connection to Tori, even when I was away at the city; I can still hear her voice barking for me when she normally would even though she's gone. We buried her overlooking the ocean she adored. She never got to swim before she came to us, never had people who cared about her before Kaya and Olie saved her and brought her to us. I felt as though she was magic, but the woods are the woods and respect no magic. I am always inclined to think that everything is always my fault, for reasons that have nothing to do with any creatures in my life now. Tori's death is certainly my fault in that I took her to the hidden trail but we were always doing that and she loved it. She loved the woods. She loved runs. She loved her pack-mates. She loved Roni. She loved me. We all loved her back and it was so good and so right that she was with us, against all odds, that I cannot descend into "what if" and "why didn't I" when the fact is: it was a killer snake and I'm only a man. Any attempt to take all the blame in some childish fit of grief only cheapens her death, which will truly sting forever. I used to feel like the hidden trail was one of those beautiful, forbidding places that only I and the dogs knew about but of course this was delusion: it is a place in the woods where many things live, far from people. I always called Tori my little monster but there are real monsters in the world and I can only say that I will never forget it again.
GRADE: None

morning walk:
Twiggy
Luna
MoMo
Frankie
(4)

Julie and P-O went for what turned out to be their last walk with us (this time, I hope) after I left on my ill-fated run. Their group of dogs behaved perfectly and they had a good time. They bear no blame whatsoever in what happened, although they felt bad that they didn't stop for me but there's no way they could've known it was me at that distance and even if they had stopped I'm don't think there's anything they could've done that would've made a difference. They were a great asset while here. The dogs all loved them and behaved well for them. We wish them all the best and hope to see them again.
GRADE: A